I don’t like change. I feel like a fish without water when I am put in new situations. Some may find this i.e, facing new situations, quite challenging. Not me. I somehow find it quite difficult to get accustomed to new settings. I don’t like it when someone pulls me out my comfort zone. Not that I am against growth and all. It’s just that new things scare me. I feel overwhelmed and feel as if I am going to let myself down by not rising to the occasion. I wish things never change; people never die.
Another thing that scares me the most is DEATH. The very fact that the absence of that person in my life will bring about a see change is what makes death a bogeyman for me. You feel a vacuum long after that someone special is gone. Gone forever! That is when you realize there were so many things left unsaid, so many things left undone and you hope against hope for that person to come back. You are reminded of all the good and the bad times you spent. Only to realize that you can never get those moments back. And this makes you long for him/ her even more – you see, human nature is such that you always want things that are out of reach, always want things that even you know you can never have.
Taking of death and dying, I am reminded of my grandmom, who died some 10 years back. Seems like a long time, but it still amazes me no ends when I seem to remember a few of her things so clearly. That day when I fought with her for not waking me up on time for my dance class, I can still feel the warmth of her hug, how her shawl felt when I wrapped it around myself, the way her dosa tasted, the warmth of her body pressed against mine while I took my afternoon nap, how her hand felt when she held on to mine while crossing the road, the way she used to talk to the sabzi wala in her self invented tamilish hindi, how she defended me every time I got into a fight with my mom. Its just so difficult to get her face off my mind even as I am writing this. I really wish she was alive today to see her daughter (my mom) doing so well for herself, handling her family all by herself. I really wish she were alive to see her grand daughter (me) doing well in her life too, what a wonderful life partner she has found for herself, with a pretty neat job etc.etc. I wish she were here to see my brother do well academically (he never did while she was with us and this worried her no ends).
I am left teary eyed and longing for her like never before!
Another thing that scares me the most is DEATH. The very fact that the absence of that person in my life will bring about a see change is what makes death a bogeyman for me. You feel a vacuum long after that someone special is gone. Gone forever! That is when you realize there were so many things left unsaid, so many things left undone and you hope against hope for that person to come back. You are reminded of all the good and the bad times you spent. Only to realize that you can never get those moments back. And this makes you long for him/ her even more – you see, human nature is such that you always want things that are out of reach, always want things that even you know you can never have.
Taking of death and dying, I am reminded of my grandmom, who died some 10 years back. Seems like a long time, but it still amazes me no ends when I seem to remember a few of her things so clearly. That day when I fought with her for not waking me up on time for my dance class, I can still feel the warmth of her hug, how her shawl felt when I wrapped it around myself, the way her dosa tasted, the warmth of her body pressed against mine while I took my afternoon nap, how her hand felt when she held on to mine while crossing the road, the way she used to talk to the sabzi wala in her self invented tamilish hindi, how she defended me every time I got into a fight with my mom. Its just so difficult to get her face off my mind even as I am writing this. I really wish she was alive today to see her daughter (my mom) doing so well for herself, handling her family all by herself. I really wish she were alive to see her grand daughter (me) doing well in her life too, what a wonderful life partner she has found for herself, with a pretty neat job etc.etc. I wish she were here to see my brother do well academically (he never did while she was with us and this worried her no ends).
I am left teary eyed and longing for her like never before!
1 comment:
This really proves what i have always believed. this girl is so expressive through her words that you can actually feel her presence in front of you. the fact that she never inhibits herself while writing comes out so clearly. and when you read posts like these, you wish you could hug her till she stops crying. carry on girl, keep writing.
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